Tears and Fingers

For a very long time I'm not sure who I have been trying to be, but I have been trying very hard, in that moment, to be that person. Everyone has their character, their morals, their ambitions, dreams, and demons. I have these too, but they somehow feel more vaporous than those of others. I realize everyone has multiple dimensions, but mine often come off as too extreme even though they are all running in an artistic direction. Laura the artist; Laura the photographer; Laura the makeup artist. I feel as though I am often passively criticized for being the latter, more specifically the way it makes me look (which is more pleasant than my painting clothes did). Then there is my personality which I have found changes to an enormous degree based on who I am with, as well as which of the above fields I am practicing. Maybe this is a natural chameleon like occurrence, but a lot of the time I feel self-censored. As for this blog, I have been putting too much energy into coming off as ever-cheerful when I should just be natural.

I drew these tonight without expectations. I wasn't looking for cute, pretty, or structure. I wasn't after marketability either. Maybe they aren't very beautiful or coherent but they came from sincerity; it was refreshing. For the top drawing I used a reference image of a friend, who in the photograph, was in tears. For the past few weeks I've been entertaining the thought of doing a series of (photographic) portraits of people crying. Maybe some of them with makeup, visceral and streaking. My problem is I don't know anyone who can cry on cue like that. It could be a cathartic session for both of us, maybe, if it happened. We'll see.